Conspiresist

Explaining the unexplainable

“COVID kills too many Republicans” Former GOP governor warns

By Sig Loggarythm

A former mid-west governor is warning the GOP that COVID is killing more Republicans than Democrats, “And that is unfair and not right!” This development has the potential of changing the political landscape of the country for generations he believes.

The former governor of New Missouri is worried about how the COVID surge will affect the politics in his state. He is urgently telling all Republicans to get the vaccine as soon as possible and to wear masks whenever out in public regardless of vaccination status. “We all know that Democrats are hypochondriacs and sissies. But they are surviving COVID better than us by getting the vaccine and wearing masks.” Byg Dohdohead from Whack-a-Mole New Missouri believes “Godless Democrats are resorting to science instead of putting their faith in denial and the good lord to survive COVID.”

“We can’t let those d**ned Democrats survive when good hardworking Republicans are dropping like flies from this deadly virus” he said at a rally yesterday. Participants were there to obstruct the criminal investigation into Trump shenanigans after he lost the last election. At the rally, Dohdohead was handing out what he called “Real-GOP” masks. On each mask there is a different slogan. “F**k COVID. I’m vaccinated!” read one. Another said “Real men wear masks”. Another had a picture of election loser Trump wearing a mask while secretly getting vaccinated last January with the caption “He did it, why can’t we?”

The rally was held at the state fairgrounds on an overcast weekend. Most participants were focused on the free beer and pizza, but a few were there to hear Mo Brooks and Ron Paul rail at the unfairness that Trump lost the election fair and square. At one point, the two gadflies stood together on stage and fist pumped as the crowd chanted “Mo-Ron, Mo-Ron.” Dohdohead is the head of the group he founded called Stop Hateful Investigation of Trump after the massive insurrection orchestrated by the former president and rabble rouser Mo Brooks. “We need Mo-Rons to keep American safe” he said with a wink and a smile.

“If we let COVID kill-off right thinking Americans, what’s left? Left thinkers and socialists!” Byg believes that after COVID, Socialism will march across America and threaten his way of life. “We need to protect Social Security and Medicare programs, otherwise our frail elders and orphans will be tossed out in the street.” Dohdohead fervently believes Socialism wears size 15 shoes and will completely trample on American rights if unchecked.

“My fellow Republicans, please get vaccinated as soon as you can and mask-up! We are in a fight for the American way of life!”

No kidding.